Striving.

Being a mum is hard. Yes it's amazing and rewarding and any other positive words you can think of, but it's really hard.

Being a mum is the most important thing in my life, and don't get me wrong I wouldn't give it up for a second, but the ideal of motherhood isn't always what I thought it would be. A picture, probably created by other judgemental mums pretending to have it all worked out, is painted and if I don't fit into it it's like a failure. This perfectionist view must be made apparent to the outside world, the mask of a perfect happy family can't slip. It's sad because the person who judges me the most is me. I want, almost need, people to think it's no problem.

The choice to be a mum was mine. If people see my family's imperfections, squabbles or downfalls they might wonder why I made that choice. Admitting that it's not all it cracked up to be all the time would be an announcement of my failings.

Am I allowed to say that being labelled as a mum, just a mum, can be hard, exhausting and even lonely at times. A day filled with constantly forfronting the needs of others and climbing a mountain of housework that never ends can be really boring. I shouldn't be saying this, it's selfish and opposes everything that being a mum stands for. But I can't help that, for me, it's true. Of course there are times when the babes are so good, they listen to what I'm saying, play nicely and genuinely are the sweetest and funniest people I have ever met. But those moments don't erase them trashing the room I've just tidied or throwing food at the walls.

I think people focus on the positives, so that's how I compare and judge myself, on how many positives I can take from a day. Some days it's not that many and that can make me feel rubbish, then I feel guilty for feeling rubbish. I think I need to focus more on the fact that I'm allowed to feel rubbish sometimes, some days are rubbish! That doesn't mean tomorrow will be rubbish too.

Everyone has an ideal of what kind of parent they will be, how they will bring up their kids to be the best people they can be. I had an ideal but that went out the window a while ago now. I'm just kind of winging it.... And I'm ok with that. Some days are hard, but I face each challenge as it hits me in the face and, I think, I'm doing ok. Other people might think differently but other people don't matter.

Having my family is the best thing I ever did, but that doesn't mean I have to strive for perfection, I can't be bothered. My family isn't perfect and I'm glad.

 

Growing Out.

So bump number three is cooking along nicely! I am carrying her completely differently to how I did with the boys. I was more rounded with them... she feels like a football under my shirt, a wriggly one at that!

 

Boys.

Boys will be boys, that's what they say.

Mine certainly are boys! At the moment, I don't know if it's just the age they are at, but they spend the majority of their time fighting over the same minuscule objects day in and day out! It can be something as small as a dodey that sets them off. And when I say fight and don't just mean a few cross words, these boys go for it until one, most of the time both, of them is hysterically in tears!

There are rare occasions that they can be so kind and gentle with each other and then bang!! It's like they lul me into a false sense of security so I am completely unprepared for the war eruption that's about to follow.

It wears me down. By bed time I have flat out had enough. It exhausts me constantly trying to play peace keeper, the temper, that the boys have mutually in common, is uncontainable!

I keep telling myself it's just a phase that they will get past, Logan heading straight for the terrible twos and Connor still being in the midst of them makes my two very head strong boys clash. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping there is light at the end of this, sometimes very dark, tunnel.

 

Let it Slide.

We don't have our own back garden so this was a treat for Easter from Grandma!

They love it and it makes them interact a lot with each other, waiting and taking it in turns. I love seeing them play nicely together... Even if it only lasts ten minuets!

 

Henry Hoover.

For a little while now Connor has had a bit of a thing for hoovers! It started with Hetty in particular but has since moved on to other models of the famous Numatic.

I don't really know where it came from, I own a Hetty and he was always interested in looking at her, but it moved onto shop catalogues and then videos online. He would sit and watch it all day if I let him... Watching other people review, repair or use their hoovers.

It has become a bit of an obsession, he now owns his very own Henry and Hetty hoovers that go almost everywhere with us. He loves showing them off to anyone and everyone... it's all he talks about some days and although it sounds cute it can drive me crazy, I get tired of hearing the same words over and over!

You would think with this love of hoovers the house would be spotless, dust free at the least, but he is terrified when "big Hetty" actually gets plugged in. As soon as I unravel the wire he is sat up on the couch quiet as a church mouse. Before I've even pressed the on switch he is telling me not to do it. God forbid I ask him if he wants a go! He completely freaks out and gets genuinely upset at the thought of having to be anywhere near her when she is on!

It really makes me wonder what must go on inside that little mind of his!